[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
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I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”