*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
You Might Also Like
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
There are no pants in heaven.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.