@Whymze [pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
@MaybePileJokes *at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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@Whymze 
@Lisa_Laughs_ The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
@NikiWithIssues Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
@CherBear162 Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
@flashember WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
@DadSetAgainst Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
@HatfieldAnne Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
@TeaAndCopy [Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
@jordan_stratton COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
@shopkins776 *puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps