*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

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[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.


The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.


Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”


WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING


Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.


Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.


[Putting petrol in car]
[gently now]


[very gently]


[ok, once more]
[deep breath]




COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.


*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside