@MaybePileJokes

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

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@Whymze

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

@Lisa_Laughs_

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

@CherBear162

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

@DadSetAgainst

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]

19.98

[very gently]

19.99

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

37.83

GODDAMMIT

@jordan_stratton

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

@shopkins776

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps