[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Need this in my life lol
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Previously On Persistence 😎
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.