*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My what?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting