At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Another interesting #factupdates post!
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned