@sixfootcandy

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

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@HabeasDorkis

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

@better_off_dad2

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

@garrydavenport

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

@WilliamAder

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

@XplodingUnicorn

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

@DaveMcNamee3000

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

@goodgrief_rats

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.