[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
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texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?