Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.