Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.