At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
*limbos away from your hug*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent: