[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Hmmmmm
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.