[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
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[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy