[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Who knew!
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered