[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
You Might Also Like
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
how to exercise your calf muscles
*puts cutlery down*
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?