*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
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When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.