[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
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Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.