[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My whole life was a lie.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out