At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
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whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.