[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Yeah. This was me today.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.