@capnwatsisname

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

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@goldengateblond

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

@Capt_Spanky

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@CMFC99

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

@heatherlou_

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

@squirrel74wkgn

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

@chino_lol

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

@bencoffeehall

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

@Xtina_Crawford

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

@a_simpl_man

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.