*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
You Might Also Like
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*