[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic