(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
starting a garage orchestra
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
181.