*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.