[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Monday Lisa
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place