[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
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“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Kermit goes Blue.
🤣😂
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.