At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
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[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.