At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
You Might Also Like
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word