At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
.. do you even science?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first