[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo