[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
mumsnet is amazing
Worst perfume name ever.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.