[at the general store]
me: one general please
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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?