[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
c’mon!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.