Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

Jokes on them. I took 10.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Fights fire with marshmallows

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”