At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Just ordered me some pizza!
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.