[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?