[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“We will wed,” I threatened
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?