[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter