(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…