[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
any last words?
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché