[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
You Might Also Like
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
me after drinking all the wine:
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My whole life was a lie.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I laughed at this way too hard.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.