[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today