[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
fly smarter, not harder
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
