[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Ugh
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Lmao
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something