[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.