[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.