Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.