@thrill_tweeter

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

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@hilaryfairie

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

@DustinAHarkins

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

@frankzulla

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

@LoveNLunchmeat

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@mejustbeth

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

@TheCatWhisprer

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

@RiaWojo

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

@KentWGraham

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.