
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I have a type: disappointing
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.