@thrill_tweeter

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

You Might Also Like

@pleatedjeans

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

@CornOnTheGoblin

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

@DanHofer

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

@MelvinofYork

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@Ben_S_Hyland

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

@maryfairybobrry

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

@TheHyyyype

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)