*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
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If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.