[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.