[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*