At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me trying to “trust the process”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?