*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
For cardio I live beyond my means.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.