[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
How software testing works
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.