[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Cop: Aww.



me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda


If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore


Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.


If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.


The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.


Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet


Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards


I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.