@Ygrene

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

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@jakelikesnaps

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

@fro_vo

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

@iwearaonesie

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

@Jake_Vig

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

@vladchoc

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@noog

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

@thewritertype

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.