@jakelikesnaps Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
@Ygrene [at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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@jakelikesnaps 
@fro_vo [aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
@iwearaonesie If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
@Jake_Vig Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
@BuckyIsotope If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
@FullofFrap This pepper has seen some shit
@vladchoc The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
@MiddleageM Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
@noog Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
@thewritertype I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.