(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Oh no
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
who will stop them
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.